Oh No! What if I Succeed?

It's obviously understandable when one fears failure. And a long time ago I heard that one can fear success. At first I was baffled but now I understand. With success comes exposure, pressure and lifestyle changes to name a few reasons.

Well just recently I realized that I fear both outcomes. BOTH!! Isn't that weird? I fear failure because honestly, who wants to put in hard work, time and effort just to fall flat on her face? It can be embarrassing and discouraging. It's understandable to fear failure.

I find myself fearing success as well because to be honest, I love my lifestyle. I love my privacy, I love being a homebody, I love NOT being the center of attention. I love being in the cut, observing and participating only when I feel like it. I chuckle to myself because I complain that people don't be calling, texting or messaging me often but at the same time, I like it like that! If you go through my phone, 90% of my communication is with my husband, mother and sisters. So when I complain, I imagine myself being bombarded with messages/calls from other people and I then quickly retract my complaint! I'm an introvert all the way.

I want to make a big impact for God and the main way I can reach people is through my writing. This blog, my upcoming memoir, my Facebook posts and sometimes personal messages are what I have to offer. And I am willing to put some of my innermost thoughts and feelings out there as much as possible because I love to encourage people by being transparent. I (nor does anyone else) don't have it all together!

I think to myself - what if this grabs the attention of many? I want it to and I don't want it to. I want to help so many women in their faith walk but I also want to be private. I don't like a lot of attention - AT ALL. So it got to the point where I just had to lay my comfort at the cross.

"Ok God, I sacrifice my privacy (with wisdom of course) as long as I can help at least one woman get up and fight the good fight another day! Have your way with my life. The biggest fear I have is displeasing you so I lay my fears of failure and success at the altar. May your will be done with my writings. Amen!"