First of all, my last post was in July. JULY!! That's partly why I was hesitant to start this blog. I have a history of inconsistency. Sometimes I lose interest, and other times I hand my attention over to other issues/opportunities that present themselves. However, I stopped writing for another reason. I stopped writing because I started reflecting more than ever. I'm one to reflect anyway, but this time was different.
Have you ever wanted your life to change significantly, but couldn't figure out what you needed to do on your part to make it happen? In my current season, there's a part of me that's itching to experience a lifestyle that I've only gotten a taste of years before. I've tried to let the desire go so I could fully appreciate where I am today, and that didn't work. I've felt ungrateful, frustrated and downright confused. And I've been thinking, giving up, trying again, strategizing, throwing in the towel, denying, accepting, compromising, arguing with God, trying to negotiate with God, trying to change myself, accepting myself, accusing myself of being a punk, encouraging myself in the Lord ... well yea, I've been busy since July.
So much back and forth. But why was I flip flopping so much? To be honest, I couldn't decide if the sacrifice would have been worth it. What do I stand to lose if I'm to gain this lifestyle? Who will I lose? What would others think of me? How much pain would I inflict on others? Can I afford it? Would my children be blessed by this sacrifice? Will I regret it?
Well today I can say I'm more honest about what I want. I'm still not sure of the best way to obtain my desires. However, I have realized that I'm doing more harm than good by pretending that I'm satisfied when I'm not. I thought I was getting away by settling, but I've been told that something's amiss. And it makes sense. I'm not thriving and flourishing because I'm not in my element. I've been holding back out of fear of losing what I've obtained thus far. It's getting to the point where my desire to get in that world is overpowering my desire to play it safe.
I may not know exactly how to go about getting there, but I can say that I'm heading in the right direction. I know what I want, and I am no longer afraid to pay a price to obtain it.