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What Do You Want?: Part 1

Updated: Feb 25, 2020

First of all, I have to give credit to this Facebook page: The Queen Code. I feel like this page was made with me specifically in mind! She speaks my language and really makes you think with her succinct yet intuitive posts. I share so many of her posts you'd think I get paid to sponsor her page. It's just that good. This weekend I came across a post that spoke straight to my soul. It said, "Stop being vague about what you want." That post hit a nerve! I had to reflect for a hot minute. I can be so indecisive.

One of the reasons I am passive about my desires is because I always consider who loses if I win. I hate to see people suffering - even if they brought it on themselves. I am a lot more merciful than I may seem. I'm quick to say "punish him!" but as soon as the pain is about to be inflicted I'm also the one to say, "just promise you won't do it again and I'll cancel the punishment!" I have a super soft spot when it comes to people hurting.

With that said, I don't find myself envisioning promotions in my future. I think of the one who already has the title. If she or he wants to keep the title, my natural inclination is to say, "by all means." I don't like to impose or disrupt. I also think of who gets left behind. Am I going to cripple him or her when I move on? And I guess that's fine unless God says that He wants to promote me for His will. That's where the friction stands between God and I.

If I was David in the Bible, I'd dismiss the prophecy of me becoming king. I'd say, "Naw, Saul got it." If I was Noah, I probably wouldn't build the ark. I'd think, "No way can just me and mine survive while everyone else drowns all around me! That's cruel!" This weekend God revealed to me that my compassion has the potential of getting in the way of what He has planned for me.

It's funny because I remember when I was attending college and a work-study position became available. I needed a job and it was the perfect opportunity. So I applied and waited patiently for the good news. I just knew that gig was mine. I later heard that besides me there was another candidate that wanted the position, and they liked her as well. What?!?! I don't know what came over me but I was like, "That job is mine. Lord, bless so and so with another gig, but this one is mine!" Lo and behold, I got the job! That was about 9 years ago.

What happened between now and then? Why have I become so passive, nonchalant and falsely humble? I'm so easy going and rarely make faith declarations no matter how much I feel like God promised me this or that.

Well that's my homework for reflection. I have to dig deep and find when and why I lost my nerve. If God said it's mine, then it's mine. Maybe not right away as my predecessor finishes his or her term. But I have to get ready to take over. You know, like my namesake Queen Esther from the Bible. God revealed to me that this is a heart issue that I need to resolve to fulfill my destiny; so I don't give up the blessing once received because I can't stop mourning over "Saul," aka the one who lost. 1 Samuel 16:1

Whatever it is, whenever the time comes, I need to be ready to conquer, possess and trust God to take care of everyone else.


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