Several nights ago I had a humbling revelation. But before I share the revelation, here's some backstory:
I am the youngest of 5 siblings. The first four are very close in age, no more than two years apart. And here I come, a whole 5 years younger than the last child before me. Naturally, I spent a lot of alone time growing up. I played with my dolls by myself, watched many cartoons by myself, did a lot of reading. Sometimes my brother played video games with me, and that was one of my best childhood memories. But most of the time, while they were all more concerned with what teens were concerned with, I was still in fairy tale land. My siblings were there for me ... but in a "take care of my little sister" capacity. I had imaginary friends to fill the void of not having a group of girls my age to relate to.
I've mastered the art of enjoying my own company. And that is considered a strength most of the time. I was never one to attach to friends; not in a way that my world fell apart when certain people weren't around anymore. I'd miss people, but not enough to hold me back. When one friendship didn't pan out the way I hoped, I'd shrug my shoulders and say "Oh well, moving on."
Romantic relationships were different for obvious reasons. But once I was over a guy, I was pretty ruthless with my cutoff game. I'd practically act like he never existed, and treat our history as if it was a figment of my imagination. It might have taken me longer to detach from men that I had feelings for ... but I detached with the mentality of "I don't need you!"
This detached trait served me well for most of my life. It allowed me to focus on my relationship with God without so much input from others. I rarely care what others think, so much so that I have to bite my tongue from rudely telling them that I never asked for their advice or input. I don't think I have all the answers, I know I don't. But I'm super picky about who I let influence me. So many talk a great game with no idea of how to truly succeed in life.
So the other night I was thinking about divine connections. I was thinking about my perspective on relationships (not just romantic ones) vs. God's perspective. I'm quick to say, "All I need is Jesus. You can take me or leave me, and I'll be good no matter what." And I believe it's time for me to change my perspective on how serious these godly connections are. I can be super nonchalant about people in my life, because I am adamant about not putting my future and success in anyone's hands. But what if God put my future in someone else's hands?! What if while I'm looking for God to do everything, I'm overlooking the person He placed in my life to help me get to where I need to go?
It dawned on me that sometimes we literally need someone to survive. And I don't mean survive as in pay the bills, change the tires, food and clothing. Although that could be included as well. I mean ... we need a certain person in a certain season to help us fulfill our purpose. We need a specific person to help us break through to the next level.
The enslaved Israelite needed Moses. The endangered Jew needed Queen Esther. Elisha needed Elijah. Jesus needed Judas. And everybody needs Jesus lol.
So of course, with my independent mindset I countered this concept. "But God, we can't be clinging on to people. Won't that create an unhealthy codependency?" God replied to me, "First of all, you have to make sure that I put this person in your life. Then you have to feed into the relationship in the right season, but be obedient enough to let go when it's time to move on."
I'm always inclined to let go, but I rarely embrace. I despise vulnerability to be honest. I know it's a good thing, but with the wrong person it's a disaster. I don't like giving away that kind of "power" over to people. It's a legit struggle for me. But God reminded me that if I keep my eyes on Him, and follow His lead, I'm good. It's not about the person. The Israelites that followed Moses out of Egypt ended up following Joshua into the Promised Land. So it wasn't about Moses or Joshua being their ultimate savior. They had to recognize that in one season it was Moses and in the next season it was Joshua. But it's ALWAYS God who coordinates our growth.
I know God didn't bring this up aimlessly. I believe that in my next season, I have to shake off my I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T (do you know what that means?) mindset and open my heart to receiving whatever divine connection that He has set up for me. Allow myself to become vulnerable so I can get the help I need to take me to my next level.
P.S. Scary thought: Who needs me to make it into their next season? Am I neglecting my responsibility?!?! That's another post for another day.